Course Corrections?

It’s been a while and I apologize for that. I’ve had multiple health issues and personal problems and responsibilities come up. I’ve even had to take a hiatus from one of my contracts due to stress.

Things I’m processing:

  • My health and the effect it has on my life and the people around me.
  • The amount of emotional labor I put into my relationships with people and how much of the time I do not get back what I put in.
  • My goals in life and how to accomplish them.

I’m finding that the more I think about myself and my needs/wants, the more I realize that I am stupidly over-generous, too kind, too giving and helpful, and there isn’t a single person on this planet who will do for me what I do for others without the relationship being at risk of becoming toxic

So. How do I take care of myself as a disabled person who has challenges with typical jobs while also protecting myself from codependency and toxic relationships? I don’t know. Yet. But I’m working on it. There is no white knight in my story to help me, I’m my own heroine. It’s my responsibility to make my own path.

Which leads me to wonder: If I can get to a place where I can take care of myself (sans things that I need to contract out for), what do I gain from romantic relationships? Aside from companionship, which in my mind can be achieved via friendships (without the obligations and messiness of romantic entanglements). And maybe have someone(s) who can help make medical decisions (Living Will/Medical Power of Attorney can do this to a degree), or pool resources with… I dunno.

Something I’m noodling on.

Note: Relationships (mono, poly, non-mono, whatever) are all valid relationship styles. I am questioning what *my* personal pros and cons are. I’m a very introverted person with many health issues, and my life has gotten complicated enough that adding complications via romantic relationships is something I have to consider.

Thoughts

Thoughts I’m having right now

The hardest thing about being the most (emotionally) resilient person you know is that you don’t feel like you can genuinely be vulnerable in front of anyone. You’re too focused on everyone else, and you don’t trust they can handle the full weight of your pain.



High Functioning

TRIGGER WARNING – Mental health

Check out this piece from The Mighty: When You’re ‘Too Functional’ to Have Your Mental Illness Taken Seriously

I have diagnosed PTSD, depression, and anxiety; sometimes it’s obvious, but a lot of the time I look and act relatively normal. Like most people with chronic health issues, I fake being well and healthy. I’m not. I rarely cry or stay in bed all day (unless my pain level is high), which is what people seem to expect of those with mental illness. If I say anything, it’s generally offhand or the lite version.

When my ex attacked me I called the police in a calm voice, I addressed the officers with a calm voice, but my hands were shaking so hard I almost couldn’t fill out the paperwork, but everyone told me how strong I was. I didn’t feel strong, I felt betrayed and terrified. And for weeks after I had to sleep with a weapon of some sort near me, I checked the lock on my apartment door several times a day. Any weird sound woke me up, and I was tired all the time from poor sleep.

I can be shattered inside and still smile and help others. But that doesn’t mean I’m fine. I hate being a burden, so I gloss over my pain and muddle through.

So here’s a tip: Check in with your high-functioning friends. It’s hard for a lot of us to ask for help, we think we’re annoying/a bother/ a burden/whatever. If you feel you want to help say something like “Hey, I’d like to come over/do something fun with you. When’s good?” It’s easy to send messages, but actually showing up? That means the world. (Obviously, notes are sweet too, and being there physically isn’t always an option) And don’t forget to take care of yourself. As someone who gives *way* too much of themselves to others and doesn’t keep enough for herself, set healthy boundaries.

VOTE!

I’m registered to vote. I’ve been voting since I turned 18 and have voted in every election since.

You might be thinking that voting is a waste of time, that it doesn’t matter. It might not if only a handful of people felt that way, but thousands and millions think their voice doesn’t matter. That’s a lot of people who aren’t voting. A lot of people that are silent.

So vote. Be heard.

Crazy Busy + Health

Hallo!

Thank you for your patience! I am still kicking! Mostly.

I’ve had a lot going on. During one of my conventions in July, I caught the nasty flu that was going around and ended up sick in bed for a while after the con. After that, the smoke from the numerous fires going on wiped me out for a long while (I ended up buying some heavy duty air purifiers to help). I started classes again and have also been looking to move into a bigger home. The humans I live with have been causing me a large amount of emotional labor, and my health has flared up several times as well. It’s been a busy (and draining) summer!

I have a list of topics to blog about for you, and I’m slowly working my way through them as I have time and energy. From air quality to scheduled date nights, how I feel about being seen as intimidating, conversations with people about microaggressions and subtle “isms” and “phobia,” where I’m at with my arts and crafts, etc.

May you have a happy weekend!