I saw a post this morning about how ADHD makes it difficult (or impossible) to form habits, and it resonated, so I decided to blog about it regarding my relationships and how the mental load of keeping up with routines associated with keeping up relationships takes up space in my brain. Hopefully, this link works for context. I do not form habits; I create routines, and I HAVE to have them because I’m also autistic. For example, my morning routine is: If something interrupts that routine, I typically forget to take my meds, but I remember Howl’s. (Howl is one of my beloved cats.) As I’ve been unmasking over the past couple of years and transitioning from being a stay-at-home household manager to a small business owner and gig worker, I have noticed that my tendency to simplify my life when I’m stressed has become increasingly frequent. Because I cannot often autopilot (habit), I am using a lot of my
Slowly Unpacking the Pain
Breakups suck. The emotional and physical fallout is taking its toll in the form of depression, mental fatigue, anxiety, and physical symptoms like pain flares. At least I’m not crying as much now, but the random panic attacks can be debilitating. Thankfully I have medication prescribed to me to help. Knowing it’s for the best only gets me so far. There’s a lot that I greatly miss. I miss him reading to me. The intonations and emotions he expressed when reading, plus sharing the stories themselves, were a form of intimacy I reveled in. I miss gaming with him. There’s new content coming out, and I won’t be able to experience the story and new places with him. I miss his touch. His flexing fingers at me while walking indicated he wanted to hold hands. He’d hug me tightly when we hadn’t seen each other in a while. Wrap his arms around me when I was cooking. When he’d brush
In this moment: Fuck my ex…es
I’m drunk, and I have too many thoughts to be cohesive. Take it as it is, or leave it and move on. Some of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn are that; “It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.” Jean-Luke Picard. Or the quote often attributed to the late rapper Tupac, “You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” I have done enough. I AM enough. And I am working to move on. I give myself permission to be human. I understand that no matter how kind, compassionate, or flexible I am; I will not fit every need or expectation. I tried; I failed. It is not my job to find others their parts.
It’s been a while and I apologize for that. I’ve had multiple health issues and personal problems and responsibilities come up. I’ve even had to take a hiatus from one of my contracts due to stress. Things I’m processing: My health and the effect it has on my life and the people around me. The amount of emotional labor I put into my relationships with people and how much of the time I do not get back what I put in. My goals in life and how to accomplish them. I’m finding that the more I think about myself and my needs/wants, the more I realize that I am stupidly over-generous, too kind, too giving and helpful, and there isn’t a single person on this planet who will do for me what I do for others without the relationship being at risk of becoming toxic So. How do I take care of myself as a disabled person who has challenges