Breakups suck. The emotional and physical fallout is taking its toll in the form of depression, mental fatigue, anxiety, and physical symptoms like pain flares. At least I’m not crying as much now, but the random panic attacks can be debilitating. Thankfully I have medication prescribed to me to help. Knowing it’s for the best only gets me so far. There’s a lot that I greatly miss. I miss him reading to me. The intonations and emotions he expressed when reading, plus sharing the stories themselves, were a form of intimacy I reveled in. I miss gaming with him. There’s new content coming out, and I won’t be able to experience the story and new places with him. I miss his touch. His flexing fingers at me while walking indicated he wanted to hold hands. He’d hug me tightly when we hadn’t seen each other in a while. Wrap his arms around me when I was cooking. When he’d brush
Mental Health
In this moment: Fuck my ex…es
I’m drunk, and I have too many thoughts to be cohesive. Take it as it is, or leave it and move on. Some of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn are that; “It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.” Jean-Luke Picard. Or the quote often attributed to the late rapper Tupac, “You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” I have done enough. I AM enough. And I am working to move on. I give myself permission to be human. I understand that no matter how kind, compassionate, or flexible I am; I will not fit every need or expectation. I tried; I failed. It is not my job to find others their parts.
Thoughts
Thoughts I’m having right now The hardest thing about being the most (emotionally) resilient person you know is that you don’t feel like you can genuinely be vulnerable in front of anyone. You’re too focused on everyone else, and you don’t trust they can handle the full weight of your pain.
#MakeChesterProud
Trigger Warning: I talk about depression and suicide in this post. (Photo is from wikimedia commons) If you need support,
Blog Challenge: Liebster Award
A fellow blogger, Kim who writes I tripped over a Stone, shared that she was nominated to do this blog challenge, and nominated anyone who wanted to join in. I’ve been staring at spreadsheets and creating newsletters for long enough that my brain needs a break. I even took a nap today, but still tired. Blah! How it works: Thank the blogger who nominated you. Share eleven facts about yourself. Answer the eleven questions the blogger gave you. Nominate eleven bloggers who deserve the award. Create eleven original questions for the nominees to answer. Let them know they have been nominated. Eleven facts about me: I wear the mantle of Crazy Cat Lady with pride, and like most cat people, there are more photos of my furbabies on my phone than anything else. I’m the human to 5 cats. I am a huge geek/nerd. My house is full of collectibles! Mainly comic books, sci-fi, and fantasy. There is a Millenium Flacon
Crochet
I’ve been watching YouTube videos on how to crochet. I can knit decently, but always wanted to learn to crochet as well. It’s enjoyable to make things and keep my hands busy, and this is something I can do when I do not have much energy. Hobbies are essential, so is learning new skills. I challenge you to learn something new today!
Feelings on Florida
In regards to this latest act of domestic terrorism: Yes, I’m going to call it terrorism, the point was to terrify the victims and to then destroy them. To become infamous. The shooter wanted attention, he was angry, he’s a product of a toxic culture both close to him, and in our society. We need to address this as a society. It seems like a lot of these domestic terrorists lack the emotional tools necessary to handle stress, disappointment, toxicity around them, and even fundamental social interactions (i.e., Being rejected as a love interest/sexual partner). We need to make sure that people are equipped emotionally and educationally as they grow up. Find healthy ways to channel their anger and aggression. And end the stigma and scapegoating of those with mental health issues (like depression and anxiety, or autism, etc.), who are more likely to be victims than aggressors. Tossing people in prision*after* they commit the crime is only reactionary, we
30 Things, Distractions
I had to think about this a bit and came up with this list. My cats Anytime I feel cruddy I go to my cats. Petting and snuggling with them helps me focus on something positive and comforting Video games Video games keep me distracted and entertained My go to movies Alien, Aliens, Pacific Rim, LoTR, and a few others help me be distracted Music Genre depends on my mood, I like metal, some pop, trance/house/etc., classical or soundtracks Audiobooks If I am unable to focus, I will go for audiobooks while I’m laying down and resting
Looking Forward
Due to my inability to work a “normal” job *annoyed face*, I am working on a couple avenues of income that are more flexible than a more traditional office career. Freelancing as a project coordinator and volunteer manager with administrative assistance experience, and writing my blog and fictional stories. I’m starting to write based on dreams I have had. I’ll be expanding these, mostly, incomplete stories into both written and webcomic forms. I hope. I have quite a bit of drawing and webcomic practice in my future, and I need to read more about creative writing and how to tell great stories (I’m told by friends that I am a decent storyteller and just need to expand on these dreams). Thankfully I have a lot of material to work with, my subconscious is quite imaginative. I will continue my blog because it is essential to me to create space for others who need a place they feel comfortable, as well
30 Things, Hobbies
Hobbies! (I had a little time to squeeze this in) I have a lot of hobbies. I love to make/create things, it’s improved my mood, and I feel like I accomplished something when I finish a project. Knitting I’m going to learn to crochet this year. Yay YouTube! It’s a fun activity to do while watching TV/Movies. Sewing I like to make my own clothing and costumes from time-to-time. I also enjoy silk embroidery. Painting and drawing On pretty much anything. I find it relaxing. Photography I have a quality DSLR, and I love taking photos outside when I’m feeling up to it. Camping I feel the most relaxed and happy when I am able to disconnect and enjoy nature. Also, gives me lots to photograph. Reading/audiobooks Stories are essential, reading can improve empathy. The Scientific American and The Washington Post wrote articles about the subject. Fantasy, Sci-fi, horror, and graphic novels/comics. Learning new skills Games Board games, table-top, card,
Incurable Jynx 