I saw a post this morning about how ADHD makes it difficult (or impossible) to form habits, and it resonated, so I decided to blog about it regarding my relationships and how the mental load of keeping up with routines associated with keeping up relationships takes up space in my brain. Hopefully, this link works for context. I do not form habits; I create routines, and I HAVE to have them because I’m also autistic. For example, my morning routine is: If something interrupts that routine, I typically forget to take my meds, but I remember Howl’s. (Howl is one of my beloved cats.) As I’ve been unmasking over the past couple of years and transitioning from being a stay-at-home household manager to a small business owner and gig worker, I have noticed that my tendency to simplify my life when I’m stressed has become increasingly frequent. Because I cannot often autopilot (habit), I am using a lot of my
Slowly Unpacking the Pain
Breakups suck. The emotional and physical fallout is taking its toll in the form of depression, mental fatigue, anxiety, and physical symptoms like pain flares. At least I’m not crying as much now, but the random panic attacks can be debilitating. Thankfully I have medication prescribed to me to help. Knowing it’s for the best only gets me so far. There’s a lot that I greatly miss. I miss him reading to me. The intonations and emotions he expressed when reading, plus sharing the stories themselves, were a form of intimacy I reveled in. I miss gaming with him. There’s new content coming out, and I won’t be able to experience the story and new places with him. I miss his touch. His flexing fingers at me while walking indicated he wanted to hold hands. He’d hug me tightly when we hadn’t seen each other in a while. Wrap his arms around me when I was cooking. When he’d brush
In this moment: Fuck my ex…es
I’m drunk, and I have too many thoughts to be cohesive. Take it as it is, or leave it and move on. Some of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn are that; “It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.” Jean-Luke Picard. Or the quote often attributed to the late rapper Tupac, “You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” I have done enough. I AM enough. And I am working to move on. I give myself permission to be human. I understand that no matter how kind, compassionate, or flexible I am; I will not fit every need or expectation. I tried; I failed. It is not my job to find others their parts.
It’s been a while and I apologize for that. I’ve had multiple health issues and personal problems and responsibilities come up. I’ve even had to take a hiatus from one of my contracts due to stress. Things I’m processing: My health and the effect it has on my life and the people around me. The amount of emotional labor I put into my relationships with people and how much of the time I do not get back what I put in. My goals in life and how to accomplish them. I’m finding that the more I think about myself and my needs/wants, the more I realize that I am stupidly over-generous, too kind, too giving and helpful, and there isn’t a single person on this planet who will do for me what I do for others without the relationship being at risk of becoming toxic So. How do I take care of myself as a disabled person who has challenges
Thoughts I’m having right now The hardest thing about being the most (emotionally) resilient person you know is that you don’t feel like you can genuinely be vulnerable in front of anyone. You’re too focused on everyone else, and you don’t trust they can handle the full weight of your pain.
TRIGGER WARNING – Mental health Check out this piece from The Mighty: When You’re ‘Too Functional’ to Have Your Mental Illness Taken Seriously I have diagnosed PTSD, depression, and anxiety; sometimes it’s obvious, but a lot of the time I look and act relatively normal. Like most people with chronic health issues, I fake being well and healthy. I’m not. I rarely cry or stay in bed all day (unless my pain level is high), which is what people seem to expect of those with mental illness. If I say anything, it’s generally offhand or the lite version. When my ex attacked me I called the police in a calm voice, I addressed the officers with a calm voice, but my hands were shaking so hard I almost couldn’t fill out the paperwork, but everyone told me how strong I was. I didn’t feel strong, I felt betrayed and terrified. And for weeks after I had to sleep with a
New Crochet Project
Here’s what I’m currently working on. It’s the Virus pattern for a shawl. This one is keeping me on my toes; it’s tricky!
I’m registered to vote. I’ve been voting since I turned 18 and have voted in every election since. You might
Crazy Busy + Health
Hallo! Thank you for your patience! I am still kicking! Mostly. I’ve had a lot going on. During one of my conventions in July, I caught the nasty flu that was going around and ended up sick in bed for a while after the con. After that, the smoke from the numerous fires going on wiped me out for a long while (I ended up buying some heavy duty air purifiers to help). I started classes again and have also been looking to move into a bigger home. The humans I live with have been causing me a large amount of emotional labor, and my health has flared up several times as well. It’s been a busy (and draining) summer! I have a list of topics to blog about for you, and I’m slowly working my way through them as I have time and energy. From air quality to scheduled date nights, how I feel about being seen as intimidating,
#1141: “Help with De-Escalating Arguments when Dr. Jekyll Turns into Mr. ‘Abandonment/Control Issues’ Hyde”
Originally posted on CaptainAwkward.com:
Behind a cut for controlling and emotionally abusive behavior. Dear Cap, My husband (he/him) and I (she/her) have been together for five years. I’d say 95% of the time things are great. We’re really in tune, we share values and interests and have the same long term goals. The problem is the other 5% (maybe once every 3 months), in which I feel like I’ve entered a bizarre relationship version of “Who’s Line is it Anyway?” where the rules are made up and the points don’t matter. I think I’ve finally nailed the issue down to: every few months, any perceived rejection/abandonment of him by me will result in long and confusing fights. This can be something like someone else is taking too much of my attention or it can be that I disagree with an idea/thought/offer he has. The fights usually surprise me because of how small the thing is that triggers the fight.…