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In this moment: Fuck my ex…es

I’m drunk, and I have too many thoughts to be cohesive. Take it as it is, or leave it and move on. Some of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn are that; “It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.” Jean-Luke Picard. Or the quote often attributed to the late rapper Tupac, “You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” I have done enough. I AM enough. And I am working to move on. I give myself permission to be human. I understand that no matter how kind, compassionate, or flexible I am; I will not fit every need or expectation. I tried; I failed. It is not my job to find others their parts.

High Functioning

TRIGGER WARNING – Mental health Check out this piece from The Mighty: When You’re ‘Too Functional’ to Have Your Mental Illness Taken Seriously I have diagnosed PTSD, depression, and anxiety; sometimes it’s obvious, but a lot of the time I look and act relatively normal. Like most people with chronic health issues, I fake being well and healthy. I’m not. I rarely cry or stay in bed all day (unless my pain level is high), which is what people seem to expect of those with mental illness. If I say anything, it’s generally offhand or the lite version. When my ex attacked me I called the police in a calm voice, I addressed the officers with a calm voice, but my hands were shaking so hard I almost couldn’t fill out the paperwork, but everyone told me how strong I was. I didn’t feel strong, I felt betrayed and terrified. And for weeks after I had to sleep with a

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#1141: “Help with De-Escalating Arguments when Dr. Jekyll Turns into Mr. ‘Abandonment/Control Issues’ Hyde”

Originally posted on CaptainAwkward.com:
Behind a cut for controlling and emotionally abusive behavior. Dear Cap, My husband (he/him) and I (she/her) have been together for five years. I’d say 95% of the time things are great. We’re really in tune, we share values and interests and have the same long term goals. The problem is the other 5% (maybe once every 3 months), in which I feel like I’ve entered a bizarre relationship version of “Who’s Line is it Anyway?” where the rules are made up and the points don’t matter. I think I’ve finally nailed the issue down to: every few months, any perceived rejection/abandonment of him by me will result in long and confusing fights. This can be something like someone else is taking too much of my attention or it can be that I disagree with an idea/thought/offer he has. The fights usually surprise me because of how small the thing is that triggers the fight.…

Post Con Resting

I survived con! WOO! On the other hand, I’m super exhausted and achy. Emotionally wrung out. And I want to hibernate for 3 months. I’m fortunate to have such an incredible team working with me, couldn’t do it without them. ❤ I have another con in 2 weeks that I have to prep for, and I’m sitting here going, “I don’t want to do any adulting!” I will be spotty in my posts for another bit. Thank you for your patience and understanding! ❤

New Diagnoses

I apologize for the absence of posts, I’ve been busy with work and having to deal with health issues that have cropped up. In addition to that, I’m trying to get the floors redone in the townhouse so that we can sell and buy a home with a yard. Which means moving stuff around to make room to do that, which means my newly diagnosed spinal arthritis isn’t happy with me. Looks like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Heh. My mother also has osteoarthritis in her spine, though her’s is far worse than mine. I’m starting early though, apparently. Gif from Giphy.