The F Off Fund

A friend of mine shared an article on social media titled “A Story of a Fuck Off Fund” where the author talks about how our financial limitations can lead us to feel trapped. Trapped in a toxic work environment, an abusive relationship, putting up with harassment because you “…need this job, there are bills to pay.”

I stayed in an abusive marriage for far too long because I didn’t have financial options and my ex exploited my anxiety and depression, and then later my health problems, to keep me under his control.

Granted this is even harder to do when a person doesn’t make enough to really have a bug out fund to protect themselves from these kinds of situations, which I find to be a travesty and why so many underprivileged folks end up in abusive and toxic conditions. Put up with harassment at work and have a roof and food over their head? Or quit and live out of their car?

30 Things, Pain Level

My pain comes from multiple sources; Interstitial Cystitis, osteoarthritis, headaches/migraines/sinuses, fibromyalgia, and sometimes IBS. I have kept a pain diary to track my symptoms and draw corrilations between food, activities, weather, and the like, to my pain. Correlation does not equal causation, but it’s a place to start. Especially with diseases that are not well understood.

The favored approach to asking about pain is to measure it on a scale of 1 to 10, this tool isn’t the best because it assumes the person only has a single type of pain at any given time. For those of us who suffer from multiple pain conditions, this query seems like a trick question. I’ve started focusing on each individually if I’m in for a specific thing I stick to that.

A snapshot of this moment:

1 = No pain, 10 = Worst pain imaginable

Right now my overall pain is 5, there are no days when I’m pain-free. Most days I’m between 3 and 6.

My IC is currently a 3, it’s there, but I can ignore it.

Fibro is at 5 to 6, I’m aching quite a bit today, and I’m not able to ignore it.

Arthritis is 2, it’s not really bothering me much today, so that’s a win.

Headaches/Migraines/Sinuses are at a 3 today. No migraine, but my sinuses are a little inflamed and causing some pain.

IBS is not currently bothering me, so I put it at 1.


30 Things, Hobbies

Hobbies! (I had a little time to squeeze this in)

I have a lot of hobbies. I love to make/create things, it’s improved my mood, and I feel like I accomplished something when I finish a project.

  • ¬†Knitting
    • I’m going to learn to crochet this year. Yay YouTube!
    • It’s a fun activity to do while watching TV/Movies.
  • Sewing
    • I like to make my own clothing and costumes from time-to-time.
    • I also enjoy silk embroidery.
  • Painting and drawing
    • On pretty much anything. I find it relaxing.
  • Photography
    • I have a quality DSLR, and I love taking photos outside when I’m feeling up to it.
  • Camping
    • I feel the most relaxed and happy when I am able to disconnect and enjoy nature.
    • Also, gives me lots to photograph.
  • Reading/audiobooks
  • Learning new skills
  • Games
    • Board games, table-top, card, video, I like them all.
  • Other random things I pick up because I like making stuff with my hands.
  • Volunteering
    • I have volunteered for animal rescues, literacy and art, and health.

What are your hobbies?

And now I’m tired, so I’m going to go lay on my heating pad in a nest of blankets. Have a wonderful night!

Brief Hiatus

I have some work deadlines coming up that I have to make, so I’m playing catch up because of the cold I had. Unfortunately,¬† this leaves me with little time to work on blogging, at least for the next couple weeks. I will post if I manage to catch up sooner than I expect. *Crossing my fingers* I’ve been more tired than usual the past few days, so I’ve been napping quite a bit.

I’m an independent contractor/freelancer due to my health issues, luckily I am able to wear many hats, as it were, due to my volunteer work and college classes.

Self-care is important, don’t put yourself down for falling ill or having sick days. Your body needs you to take care of it. It’s cold and flu season, please use proper hygiene and consider wearing a mask, even if you aren’t sick. I carry a mask, hand sanitizer, and wash my hands extra when I’m out.

Derailed by Illness

Unfortunately, my blogging has been derailed by a cold and now some sort of stomach bug. I’m busy resting and taking care of myself, but I will start up again with the challenge and other posts as soon as I’m not feeling quite so horrid.

Narcissism in Parents

A delightful person found my blog today! Dr. Perry, Ph.D. from MakeITUltra liked some of my 30 Day Challenge posts (I know, I’m behind. Fatigue and pain have been kicking my butt). I wanted to share one of his blog posts on narcissism (the personality disorder) and how that presents its self in the dynamic between parent and child. It’s worth the read and explains things in a simple to understand and relate to language.

You can find his post here.

I’m not a professional in the mental health field, though I wish I had the money become a Ph.D. in Psychology. I speak as a child who grew up with (what I suspect) are mildly narcissistic parents. My mom was raised by a mother who would have likely been deemed a very narcissistic person. My grandmother did not do well with empathy and love, she was unpredictable, and did not love my mother. She had children because it was expected, not because she wanted to partake in the physical and emotional undertaking that comes with having/adopting kids.

My mom grew up unloved, and ended up developing some toxic behaviors and thought processes. She tried to force me to fit her ideal of what her child should be, and would gaslight me whenever I called her on it or even when I was acting like a typical child. I was a constant disappointment to my parents who ignored my needs until they became a possible red flag for my teachers or other adults. We did not like each other while I was growing up and I have spent the past 5 years undoing a lot of the jumbled mess that has been my emotions and thought processes, while also relearning better coping skills. I still have a long journey ahead of me, and I have accepted that some of the damage will not be reversible. This kind of toxic environment is why I ended up married to a sociopath (this was told to me by mental health professionals) for 8 years until I finally could no longer tolerate it.

I love my parents, but at a distance. Limiting contact has done me a lot of good. Knowledge is power, if you suspect you are in any kind of relationship that is toxic, learn about it. Empower yourself. Even if that link is with yourself.